Smashville in Time
by The Horseless Horseman
Summary: Eight friends go on wacky adventures in time and space.
1. Pika Prison, Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, or Super Smash Bros.

Author's Note: _Smashville In Time_ is the **third story in a series,** though **this is an acceptable point to begin reading** if you would like. It will spoil the past two stories for you, so I strongly recommend you first read _Smashing Shenanigans_ , and then _The Timeless Tale of Smashville's Finest_ if you would like to go in order, but you could always go back and read them later if that's not an issue but still you enjoy my writing style.

The chapters for this series will be written in a serialized format, with the majority of storylines coming in two to four parts, so as to better develop the story and divide the reading into more manageable blocks. I will also be using a more dedicated editing process than I have used in the past, to allow myself to better pace myself and improve the quality of my work. Not to beg for reviews, but I would like to request thorough criticism on my writing, to tell me what I'm doing right and what I am not. And **remember Wheaton's Law** , please. Thank you.

 **SMASHVILLE IN TIME**

This week's "yucky breath surprise" looked as safe and appealing as last week's- completely un-. The prisoners moved their trays along and accepted their lunch with little more than hunger on their minds. They had to settle for the prepared lunches, as the prison wardens had become aware of the slowly thinning mattresses and sudden development of rabies among the prisoners. Most of those who had been affected insisted to their respective inner circles that the cotton stuffing in the mattresses was much more appetizing than the "yucky breath surprise," and infinitely less smelly. Its health benefits had yet to be seen.

But despite the tasty cotton and definite future asbestos poisoning, Marth longed for his freedom. It had been ninety-one days since the Asshole Squad (that's what everyone called them) had been arrested on that fateful Christmas Eve, for their various reasons. Pika Prison was dull. There was no budget at all. The government did not send money since it was not a government owned police force, and all of the prison's money came from donations. Since the mayor was the only one to make donations, in a completely unusable currency nonetheless, there was next to nothing that could be bought. The building itself was only attained when the Pika Police arrested the previous owner. (Old Tortimer finally kicked the bucket just two weeks prior, after falling from the top of the fence on his seventy-third escape attempt. His body sat where it was for three days, until it was eventually picked up and used to flavor the next batch of yucky breath surprise. Protesters were forced to go without eating the meal. Presumably, they would starve and their corpses would be used in the subsequent batch.)

Marth took his seat at the usual table, with the usual crew. There was Wolf, the hyper-aggressive canine with a bad attitude and a tongue as sharp as his claws- he was the punisher. Then there was Lucario, the reserved one. He left people alone all while secretly learning everything about everyone. He was the intelligence. The third of them was Captain Falcon, the idiot. He was the reason they were in prison to begin with, more or less. Marth was the strength and the reason, himself. No one quite understood how the four got along. Not even they themselves could figure it out.

"I can't take it any longer," said Wolf, as he thumped the yucky breath surprise with his middle claw. It jiggled and growled before collapsing into a liquid. "This food is awful. Big Teddy has been staring at me all week. The wardens keep shocking me when I walk by. And that damn camera is looking right at us, again." The four glanced up at the camera, which conveniently enough seemed to realign itself to look at Old Joe Toothpick and his pet soccer ball.

Wolf leaned in close and whispered to his friends: "It's about time we bust out of here."

#1: PIKA PRISON, PART 1

Pika Prison held twenty-seven prisoners at the time, in only six cells (once again, budget). Generally, when new prisoners came along, they were dumped into whatever cell had been making the most noise at the time. This, of course, put the noisy cells at a disadvantage, as with more people came more volume. The Asshole Squad as a whole was not very loud, but Captain Falcon proved to be problematic in that regard. The level of enthusiasm that he showed for every possible subject made him prone to shouting his excitement to the world. It annoyed not only the wardens, but also the other prisoners. Sometimes they attempted to beat him up, though Captain Falcon was capable enough in fights to handle himself. If things ever got too difficult for him to handle, Captain Falcon was pulled from the circle of angry prisoners by his caretaker, Wolf.

Cell #4 was home to five prisoners: Marth, Wolf, Captain Falcon, Lucario, and Brick. Brick was fairly unhappy to be stuck with the Asshole Squad, mostly because it forced him to put up with Captain Falcon. He would often join the "beating circles," and was usually the reason Wolf had to step in. Brick was a very large man with a bushy brown beard and an afro, with piercing black eyes that were almost offensive all their own. His arm muscles were roughly the size of a small aircraft, and he wore tight-fitting black v-necks every day. His shoulder-to-hip ratio was about 2:1, and it was unlikely that he weighed any less than five-hundred pounds from sheer muscle. Despite Brick's rough appearance, Lucario insisted he was a nice guy.

When Brick overheard Wolf's escape talks, it became clear that he wanted in. Wolf feared being ratted out, and had little choice but to let Brick in on the escape plan.

"I've been thinking it over for ages," Wolf whispered among them, as he curled up on top of an olive green sleep mat in the floor and pulled a filthy piece of folded paper from his Hey You Pikachu themed pillowcase.

"Now, we know that trying to fight the Pika Police is a lost cause," he explained. "They'll just outnumber us. That means we're going to rely on stealth to get out of here, which is why Captain Falcon is going to be the diversion."

"Diversion?" Captain Falcon asked.

"Yeah," replied Wolf.

"What's that?" asked Captain Falcon.

"You draw everyone's attention away from us," Wolf told him.

"How do I do that?"

"Very easily," Wolf said snarkily. "Alright, the plan starts at one o'clock tomorrow, outside during our exercise block."

* * *

"HEY, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER?!" Captain Falcon shouted in the courtyard surrounded by twenty feet of prison walls adorned in barbed wire, emerging from the outhouse with his pants completely removed. (There were no orange jumpsuits like in normal prisons, because those cost money, a luxury that could not be afforded by Smashville. Rather, prisoners made their own clothes out of newspaper and letters from family.)

"Come on man, fix yo pants!" shouted Blue Bill the Titty Twister, who got his namesake by attempting to play Twister with women's bodies based on the color of their shirts. He was nicknamed 'Blue' Bill after the color of the last shirt he touched, that of his own mother.

"I JUST NEED SOME TOILET PAPER, SOMEONE HELP!" Captain Falcon cried, running up to a circle of basketball players who wanted nothing to do with him.

Old Tooth the Toothless screamed, "Piss off, Doug!" He proceeded to lob the basketball at Falcon's stomach, knocking the pilot onto the ground. Captain Falcon crumpled up on all fours, blinding the players. The Pikachus were soon hearing an army of complaints out of other prisoners, and they began to make a beeline for the moonlight.

At this moment, Wolf and Marth were scaling a small inner wall around the corner, where the wardens normally sat and watched over the exercise taking place while discussing politics and their latest affairs. On top of the roof, the two climbers had a somewhat better view of the area, though they could see little more than the exercise courtyard. They could almost see over the outer wall of Pika Prison, but it was higher up still.

"Ready?" Marth asked, looking over to Wolf.

"Ready," responded Wolf with a nod. Marth knelt down and held his arms out, allowing Wolf to step into his hands. Marth flexed his muscles before thrusting Wolf through the air with as much strength as he could muster. The airborne canine propelled himself through the air with much grace and just barely managed to grab onto the outer wall without scraping himself on the electric barbed wire. Wolf reached up and severed the wire with his claw.

"Here come the pants," said their accomplice Lucario from below. Wolf looked down as Lucario threw up Captain Falcon's unworn pants, and he caught them by the ankle. Wrapping his paw in the pants, Wolf gripped the wire.

"Here we go," he said. Letting go of the wall, Wolf proceeded to rip the wire from the fence and swing down to the ground with it, effectively creating an unsupported climbing rope of barbed wire. He planted his feet on the ground with a satisfying grassy crunch and turned to his friends. Captain Falcon was still on the ground, though he was now repeatedly being shocked by angry and inestimable prison wardens. Marth, Lucario, and Brick were on their way towards Wolf and the wire.

"Did you get the wall staples?" asked Wolf to Brick. Pika Prison had a small supply of wall staples, confiscated from a former prisoner that got himself arrested for kidnapping, stealing the instrument of, and impersonating a celebrity for three years. Lucky, as he was known, died after getting his leg eaten by the resident cannibals, whose identities were, and still remain, a mystery. This is, of course, one of the many motivations for the numerous escape attempts that have occurred at Pika Prison.

"I had the pilot over there get them for me," admitted Brick. The three looked to Captain Falcon, and saw the wall staples clutched in his hands.

"Well," sighed Marth. "This could be a problem."

"I'll get them off of him," said Wolf with a sigh. He jogged towards the circle of assailants.

"I found his pants, everyone!" he revealed in an attempt to divert their attention. Nobody seemed to notice that he had said anything, and continued to torment the screaming F-Zero pilot.

"Hello?" he asked. Once again, nothing. Wolf proceeded to crawl under the wardens and take the wall staples from Captain Falcon's hand, completely ignored, and walk back over to Brick, Lucario, and Marth. Brick took the wall staples and proceeded to immediately smash them into the wall, securing the wire in place. Ripping the pants in half, Wolf wrapped both of his paws and began to climb to the top, quickly scaling the wall and dropping the paper pants down to Marth, who quickly followed.

"What do we do about Falcon?" asked Lucario to his friends.

"I figured they would have let him up by now," said Wolf. Lucario then scaled the wall within seconds. Next, Brick began to make his way up the wire, but his large size and impressive weight were quite a lot, too much for the wall staples to hold down. They quickly popped out and flew through the air towards the wardens, and the wire began to tear at the top of the wall. Quickly, Wolf and Marth grabbed the wire to try to hold Brick up as he continued his climb.

"HEY! They're trying to escape!" pointed out New Tortimer. Several dozen heads whipped around, and suddenly the wardens let off Captain Falcon and charged towards Brick and the others. Almost to the top, Brick extended his hand to Wolf. Suddenly, the wardens jumped up and grabbed Brick. Wolf, Lucario, and Marth all gripped Brick's arm and began to pull against the wardens, but the wardens were much too strong. Ripping Brick away and back onto the ground, the wardens proceeded to gnaw on the wire until it fell apart, and then whip Brick with it.

"GO ON WITHOUT ME!" Brick shouted from the ground at them, screaming in the pain from the barbed wire assault.

"We have to help him!" said Wolf.

"There's nothing we can do for him," said Marth gravely.

Captain Falcon suddenly cried, "FALCON PAUNCH!" A dozen wardens were quickly wall stapled by a mighty punch. He turned to his peers and shouted at them.

"Today is the day we rise up! Today, the Pika Prison will be no more! Fight with me, brothers, and we shall enter a new age with no more police brutality!"

"Haha, gay!" shouted 100% Heterosexual Pete. All the prisoners above the age of fifty laughed at this comment, while the younger, more liberal generation scoffed at him.

"Don't be so hateful!" shouted Old Joe Toothpick, who kicked his pet soccer ball into 100% Heterosexual Pete's jaw. Within seconds, an all-out brawl had begun between the two generations, and Captain Falcon continued to wall staple the Pikachus.

"Falcon, quick! Get up here!" shouted Wolf to his friend. All of the wardens had been wall stapled, and Captain Falcon turned to Brick.

"Come on, let's get out of here," Captain Falcon suggested, extending his hand.

"It's too late for me," answered Brick, pointing to his ankle. Looking down, Captain Falcon noticed the wall staple that had been planted in the dirt, securing Brick in place.

"Help me get this thing off!" Falcon requested, before beginning to pull on the wall staple. It did not budge.

"Hurry up, Falcon," grunted Brick. "They're about to break free." Looking over, Falcon noticed the wardens were indeed beginning to free themselves from their wall staples. In defeat, the racer turned and ran towards the corner of the wall where he friends awaited his escape. He jumped up and launched himself away from one side of the wall, before gripping the top of the other and pulling himself up. He turned and looked down towards Brick, who was being further wall-stapled by the liberated wardens.

Captain Falcon dramatically shouted, "I WILL FIND YOU!"

* * *

"March 25, 1:35 P.M., Pika Prison in Smashville," read off Fox to his friends in the console room of the time machine. Fox had created it from many terrible pieces of equipment, including cheap TVs and keyboards and toilets, though he had recently modified it into a very sleek looking machine, complete with wheels and cameras around the outside, along with built in television, Wi-Fi, and Netflix. Sitting behind him in the seats taken from an old Jeep salvaged from the dumpster were his three time traveling companions: Meta Knight, Ike, and Snake.

Meta Knight had signed up to become his roommate only days ago, but circumstances led to them running off in the time machine without actually staying together.

Ike caused these circumstances, by chasing Fox for stealing his Baconator, then jumping into the time machine to go back to the theft and taking the Baconator for himself. Perhaps a complete paradox, Ike caused the circumstances of his causation.

Snake had stowed away inside the time machine for an undisclosed amount of time as he lived with a tribe of squirrels (the entirety of which died from unknown causes), and did not reveal himself until he collapsed through the roof after a rough travel.

"Just out of curiosity, why did you want to go here?" asked Fox to Meta Knight.

"You remember the Asshole Squad?" Meta Knight asked.

"I do!" Snake cheered. "We're total bros."

"Yeah, I remember them," said Fox.

"Well, from what I understand, they helped me out in an alternate reality, so we kind of owe it to them to get them out of jail," Meta Knight said.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Fox started, jumping up from his seat. "You're not suggesting a prison break?"

"I'm not?" Meta Knight asked. "Come on, we've done worse."

"Like what?" asked Fox.

"Entering our own timelines and stealing from our past selves," Meta Knight said. "Ike."

"Chase you across town with murder in mind," Snake added. "Ike."

"Became God and condemned a man to an eternity of paddling," Meta Knight reminded. "Ike."

"Convinced me to blow up a building and kill a bunch of people," recalled Snake. "Ike."

"Let's all just shit on Ike!" Ike defended.

Snake said, "That's pretty gross. But I'm into that." Ike smacked him away as he neared.

"Look, I'm just saying, it's a lot of stuff," Meta Knight noted. "Would it really be so bad to break a few guys out of jail? As a favor?"

"Fine," said Fox. "But letting Captain Falcon run freely around Smashville again may be the most destructive thing we've done yet."

"That you know of," whispered Ike. Fox did not hear this statement, and reached over to press the big red button that was disappointingly enough not labeled "Time Travel Button." The machine began to wheeze and whoosh before depositing itself on the ground somewhere within the prison.

"Alright, get in and then get out," Fox said, removing himself from his seat and opening the door.

"They've completely crushed him!" said a bloody-nosed tortoise as they stepped out from the time machine.

"PIKA PI! (Hands in the air, criminals!)" shouted a Pikachu, pointing a gun at them. The four of them raised their hands above their heads in submission (Meta Knight as best as he could). Turning to look over his shoulder, Fox noticed a pair of feet sticking out from underneath the time machine, one of which was intentionally fastened to the ground at the ankle with what appeared to be a large staple.

TO BE CONTINUED

In the next part: As the Asshole Squad adjusts to life outside of prison, the time travelers must adjust to life on the inside.


	2. Pika Prison, Part 2

Disclaimer: Smoke weed every day.

* * *

"Day 92 of the World's Greatest Christmas Party begins today!" cheered Wario to his house guests, before ripping off his pants and smashing his fist against a big red button on his radio. The Space Jam theme song proceeded to rock the house, or maybe it was Wario's dancing, but his house guests seemed perfectly prepared to keep doing what they were doing.

The Villager smiled from a pile of leaves. They were his many presents, and he was up to ninety-one so far, one for each day of the party to come before. He did not move, but rather, he smiled.

Doctor Mario's beer belly had grown tremendously, and it now poked out of the Let's Get Hammered Mario t-shirt he had been wearing for three months now. His moonwalk was abysmal, though it did earn the honor of being the best dance in the house.

The Duck Hunt Dog showed up one day, and rather than question it, the other guests just kind of accepted it. He didn't really do much of anything notable, but his presence was a thing.

"This just in," came a voice, almost entirely drowned out by the music.

"Did you hear that?" asked Wario, turning down Space Jam. "What is that?"

"It's my police radio you got me!" said the Villager with a smile, holding up a leaf.

"Four prisoners have escaped the Pika Prison and are on the loose," said a man on the other end of the leaf radio. "Please be on the lookout for Captain Falcon, Wolf, Lucario, and Marth. These four are known commonly as the Asshole Squad, and they are highly dangerous. Please call the Pika Police if you spot them."

"Whoa..." said Wario. "Those guys are dangerous?"

#2: PIKA PRISON, PART 2

The Asshole Squad's escape was the talk of the prison. The time machine materialized out of midair and crushing Brick to death was far less impressive, mostly because the prisoners could not believe that out of everybody that had attempted to escape, Captain Falcon was one of the first to succeed. Not only were they shocked his stupidity did not completely destroy any and all plans of success, but they were otherwise celebratory that he was no longer around to keep them up at night.

Fox, Meta Knight, Ike, and Snake were dubbed the 3T4: Time Traveling Team Four, basically. The 3T4 strongly suspected absolutely no work went into the name at all, and they were completely ignored by prisoners and wardens alike following their imprisonment. Thrown into the cell the Asshole Squad left behind, they found that their cell door was broken and the Pika Police wardens were going to do nothing to fix it. Because of this, they were not allowed to attend lunch—lucky them. Aside from their weapons, the 3T4 were pleased nothing was confiscated from them. Ike and Snake were grateful they got to hold onto their comic collections, though Meta Knight and Fox were annoyed by the debate this led to.

"No way, RC Comics is king," said Snake. "Pooperman, Scatman, Green Canteen, they're just way cooler."

"I'm telling you Snake, Astound runs the comics game," Ike said. "Doctor Eccentric, Iron Hand, Cobalt Man, and Captain Murrica are more believable personality types in more challenging situations. Not to mention they have better colors and lettering."

"Yeah, but the art style is all wrong. Plus, they cross over way too much," Snake said. "Whatever happened to old fashioned self-contained solo runs?"

"They died out when the basement dwelling nerds who wrote them realized other people actually exist," Ike snapped.

"Can you guys not do this?" asked Meta Knight. "We need to get out of here fast."

"Yeah, my time machine is gonna get compacted in an hour and we really can't let that happen," said Fox. "Our only option is to get to it."

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," Ike said. "Really wish we could get some food. I don't plan well on an empty stomach."

"Well fellas, I found the solution to our problem!" Snake exclaimed. The other three looked over to him as he lifted one of the mats off the floor.

"You know a way out?" asked Fox.

"No, I found some food!" Snake said. "Check it out!" It was true. Beneath the mat was a loose brick, and beneath that, two dozen one-pound bags of Nookington Sunflower Seeds, Peanuts, and Chocolate Pretzels.

"What are these doing here?" asked Fox.

"Waiting for us to eat them!" answered Ike, grabbing and mutilating a bag in one loud tear. Peanuts spilled all over the floor, but that didn't stop Ike from eating them, shell and all.

"No, not that!" said Fox. "I mean, those are from Nookington's. Those aren't allowed in a prison, especially in such high supply. So how'd they get here?"

"Someone must have smuggled them in," said Meta Knight.

"Good start," said Fox. "Someone that stayed in this cell, I imagine. Let's look around and see what we can find." They began to feel around the walls and floor, looking for anything that might help them.

"Found some condoms," said Meta Knight. He held one up. "It's filled with mayonnaise."

"I don't think that's mayonnaise," said Fox grimly. Ike reached over and stuck his finger in it, before tasting.

"No, it is," confirmed Ike with a nod, before returning to the hunt.

"One with ketchup… Relish… I think that's Falcon Punch… Dingo blood… Wii soda… Urine from a dragon bear that just finished a pina colada from the fourth realm of the intergalactic rain cosmos…" Meta Knight said. "The entire line of liquids from Nookington's, plus those new government-funded condoms they hand out at the pharmacy."

"Whoa, hey, those are the ones with the expiration dates on the end," said Fox. "Unroll it all the way." Meta Knight did so.

"Good for another four months," he said.

"That means they're fairly new," said Fox. "Someone who was here recently put them here. But who?"

"Captain Falcon," answered Meta Knight, holding up a book.

"What makes you say that?" asked Fox.

"Escaping from Prison for Dumbass Pilots," said Meta Knight. "This was practically made for him. Lucas and Toon Link are making obscene gestures in a photo here. Definitely meant for Captain Falcon." He closed the book with a resounding _pop_.

"I don't understand," said Fox. "The guy just escaped with his friends. If he had a way out of here, why wasn't he taking it?"

"Don't you guys watch the news?" asked Snake.

"No," answered Meta Knight.

"Nope," agreed Ike and Fox.

"Yeah, me neither," Snake replied. "But I did overhear Tom Nook complaining that someone had been breaking into his store to steal things at night. Nobody actually figured out who was doing it since there were no fingerprints on any windows or doors or anything. The locks were untouched."

"Does that mean what I think it means?" asked Fox.

"That Nook adjusts his prices to compensate for the fact that he gets robbed nightly?" replied Ike.

"No!" Fox said. "There's a tunnel to the inside of Nookington's! Probably hidden in this cell somewhere!"

"I believe you're right," said Meta Knight, breaking free a section of the floor. Beneath it was a large hole, decorated with Christmas lights that adorned the dirt walls. There were several footholds on the way down.

"Let's get out of here, then," said Fox. He paused. "You know, that just seems a little convenient. We need to get out, there is a tunnel in this particular cell. It's almost like a more complicated plot line couldn't be bothered to have gotten itself written." The other three didn't know how to take the newfound meta.

* * *

The four allies marched through the tunnels in a line at a brisk pace. There was little time for small talk with the growing threat of a compacted time machine.

"How long is this tunnel going to go on for?" asked Snake.

"About ten feet," said Meta Knight. "We're here." Above them was a 2x2 arrangement of plain white floor tiles, with light barely seeping into the spaces between those tiles and the surrounding floor.

"Give me a boost," requested Meta Knight. Ike easily lifted him to the appropriate height, and Meta Knight weaseled his way into the store. The other three, much taller, quickly joined him.

"What are _you_ four doing here?!" came a cry. They turned around and saw Tom Nook, murder in his eyes, brandishing a knife.

"I can explain!" said Ike. Tom Nook looked at him. "Let me explain."

"Go on.." urged Tom Nook.

"Um."

"I take it you're the ones who have been stealing from me?" asked Tom Nook.

"No actually!" said Ike. "That was Captain Falcon!"

"A likely story," said Tom Nook.

"No, really!" Ike protested.

"Oh no, I believe you," said Tom Nook. "He's a problem." The others nodded and muttered their agreement.

"Sorry to disturb you," said Meta Knight. "We'll get out of your store." He began to move forward. Tom Nook waved the knife in his general direction.

"Not so fast," Nook said. "Why are you here?"

"We found a tunnel from Pika Prison and followed it," said Ike. Fox shot him a sideways glance.

"Pika Prison, huh?" asked Tom Nook. "What were you doing there?"

"We were pri-"

"Visiting our friends Marth and Lucario!" interrupted Fox. "Yeah. That's what we were doing. 100%. It's the truth."

"Nobody was pressing further," noted Tom Nook.

"Yeah, those last few confirmations were really suspicious," whispered Snake.

"I don't suppose you'll mind if I call Pika Prison to confirm this, then?" asked Tom Nook, setting the knife down beside the phone he began to reach for.

"That won't be necessary," said Meta Knight.

"It might not be," said Tom Nook nefariously. "If you give me a reason not to make this call."

"We can uh… pay you?" suggested Ike. Another sideways glance hit him like a curtain of beads (you see, you push the beads aside but then when you move past they still hit you).

"Oh, is that so?" asked Tom Nook. His fingers moved from the phone to a questionable looking device nearby. In almost a blink of an eye, he quickly moved past them, delivering a quick pain to their index fingers as he moved down the line. The four of them looked to their fingers in unison, seeing beads of red. Nook returned the prick to the table.

"That's just an infection waiting to happen…" muttered Meta Knight.

"I'll need some signatures on this contract," Nook revealed, producing a long piece of paper that had been waiting for them a long time. There appeared to be a list of blood signatures on individual lines, including Villager, Tortimer, and Wario. Villager's name had a checkmark next to it, while Tortimer's was violently crossed out. At the top of the page, there was a single highlighter mark through the phrase "39,800 bells." Upon quickly skimming, Fox realized this was a contract demanding payment.

"What the hell is a bell?" asked Meta Knight as he read.

"That's obvious…" answered Snake. "Little things you ring when it's time for dinner." The others swore his eyes were watering as he answered.

"I don't know if we can sign this," Fox said.

"That's to be expected," said Tom Nook. His hand moved back for the phone.

"Without a table!" added Fox hastily. Tom Nook produced a leaf from his pocket, dropping it. In an explosion of smoke that sounded like uncomfortable apples, a ping pong table appeared before them. Fox moaned and leaned over to produce a bloody signature with his finger.

* * *

Pika Prison's sirens were wailing, and patrol cars were on the move. Evidently some prisoners had escaped, and the Pikachus were out searching the area to find them.

Wario was on his bike, making his way towards Nookington's. The party wasn't over, but rather it had hit a snag. They were out of cream corn! Like any good host, Wario hopped on his bike and went off in search of more. Like any bad citizen, he rammed someone on the way over. He went another hundred feet before he noticed the bloody severed head of a Pikachu in his lap, and turned to look back. The rest of the Pikachu laid at the end of a long red trail of death, despair, and incrimination. As Wario turned and looked back, he slammed into the side of a Pika Police car. Soaring through the air, Wario left his bike on the ground and took to the clouds. Gunshots rang out beneath him, though he had no control over his momentum as he so perfectly evaded bullets that ascended to meet their fallen Pikachu. Like Wario, they fell back to the earth, as they had been going the wrong way.

Wario slammed into the ground with such force that an eruption of dirt sprung outwards in a mighty wave of gritty clouds. A troop of Pikachus gathered in the area had been temporarily halted by the blast, though they closed in once it subsided. As Wario groaned and made his way back up the walls of the hole he had created, he was greeted with the barrels of at least two dozen guns.

* * *

When the 3T4 realized the patrol was getting a little out of hand, they hurried along to Snake's house. Taking special care not to be seen, they were able to get a good look at the Pika murder that had accidentally been committed by Wario.

"Seems like two birds with one stone," muttered Meta Knight. Snake had appeared at the door of his shed, and quickly pulled out a key from a questionable location. With a brief fumble beforehand, he opened the lock and the door. Several items appeared before them, including grenade launchers, pistols, and cardboard boxes.

"Alright, now what?" asked Meta Knight as he armed himself with a Bowie knife.

"Now we get back to Pika Prison," suggested Fox.

They had about twenty minutes to spare, but that didn't stop them. The four friends loaded up on ammo and weaponry and set out towards the prison. Almost immediately, the Pika Police were upon them. Snake quickly blasted the gas tank of a patrol car with his grenade launcher, setting off a chain explosion of cars. Several townspeople cheered from the porches of their homes. The remaining Pika Police shut them up by shooting at or near them, forcing them to either bleed out their innards or take cover inside.

Ike shot the pistol out of one Pikachu's hand, then the hand off that Pikachu.

"Have we ever achieved this level of gore?" asked Meta Knight.

"No, but what I think is happening here is that our story is attempting to find its strengths," answered Fox.

"What are you talking about?" asked Meta Knight.

"Well, in some mediums, murder and violence so freely committed would be considered a grand tragedy," Fox said. "You know, like Schindler's List or basically anything else involving Nazis. But with us, everything is funny (well, sometimes). So to see senseless murder happen in spectacular ways for us is nothing more than just a really dark joke. There might be a lot of it if it's well-received." He blasted three Pikachus with one bullet.

"Right… How are we not getting shot?" wondered Meta Knight.

"Convenience of the story, mostly," said Fox. "Anyway, maybe if I do this then something awesome will happen." Before Meta Knight could ask what he meant, Fox jumped over a police car and began to shoot down Pikachu after Pikachu. He ducked under bullets before throwing himself over a nearby fence. It was the Pokemon Trainer's house. Fox knew it by all the dead Pokemon in the yard, shot by Pikachus in rage. To his right was the prize he was after: a bike. Hopping on, he took off towards the prison.

"I gotta get the time machine now!" shouted Fox. "You guys meet me there!" He quickly pedaled off towards the prison, occasionally throwing bullets by means of handgun. Pikachus occasionally threw bullets by means of similar handguns. Neither side had much luck in the battle.

That is, until a patrol car ran Fox over and completely destroyed the bike he was on, while pinning his right leg beneath the front tire.

TO BE CONTINUED

A/N: College has just started so writing may be a little slow after the next chapter, but expect the conclusion to this serial tomorrow.


	3. Pika Prison, Part 3

Disclaimer: Ignore previous disclaimer. Everything in moderation.

* * *

With the loss of Fox's firepower, and despite their absurd capabilities in a firefight, the three friends (Meta Knight, Snake, and Ike) were forced to make a tactical retreat in their battle against the Pika Police, who were quickly overtaking the town to arrest them and the Asshole Squad, and anyone who got in their way.

Falcon's Pinata Shop was in a fairly low-traffic part of Smashville, having been put out of business after the owners went to jail and could no longer pay the rent. With the only other attraction being a small shop in a tree that sold sticks, exploding nuts, and a single wooden shield, it was no wonder that the area was unvisited. The Pika Police hadn't even bothered to patrol there, at least, not yet. It was for this reason that Meta Knight suggested, after taking cover inside a hollow tree with the others, that they hide inside.

Getting in was easy enough. With a simple boost, Snake hoisted Ike up through the window. Upon arriving inside, Ike realized it was unlocked and that they had forgotten to check that first. Ike fiddled with the lock for a second to give the illusion of unlocking it, before pushing the door open and letting the others in.

"So what's the plan now, guys?" asked Ike, taking a seat on a nearby guard rail.

"You guys do realize the door wasn't locked, right?" came a voice. Meta Knight recognized the voice of Lucario immediately. The three turned and saw Captain Falcon, Marth, Lucario, and Wolf sitting together around a card table.

"Lucario? What are… Wait… Why is there a card table here?" asked Meta Knight.

#3: PIKA PRISON, PART 3

The Pika Police had learned their lesson after the incident with the tunnel, and decided to put Wario into a rarely-used cell. It was one of the more high-security cells, with at least six guards watching the inhabitants at all times.

They were not phased as he peed in the corner. In the past Tortimer had done the same.

* * *

Meta Knight, Ike, and Snake pulled up some chairs and joined the others at the table.

"This Pika Police situation sure has gotten out of hand, wouldn't you say?" Wolf asked. "I guess they really didn't like the fact that we got out."

"They didn't really start doing this until we got out," said Ike. "They just kind of let you guys go."

"You were in Pika Prison?" asked Marth.

"Yeah, we came to break you out!" said Ike. "But we got there and you were gone!"

"You came for us?" asked Lucario.

"Yeah," said Meta Knight, "but you were already gone."

"Did you see Brick in there?" asked Captain Falcon.

Snake started, "Oh yeah, we k—"

"—can't say we did," interrupted Ike.

"We were supposed to get him out of there, too," said Captain Falcon.

"What's the situation now?" asked Marth.

"Our time machine is getting compacted within minutes," said Meta Knight.

"Time machine?" asked Marth.

"Stay with us, it's not the most ridiculous thing that has happened in this town," Meta Knight said.

"Fair enough," said Marth with a sincere nod of approval.

"Fox just got captured so he is undoubtedly in jail," Meta Knight continued. "I'm pretty sure Tom Nook legally owns us."

"You too?" asked Captain Falcon.

"And we don't have a plan to save Fox," said Meta Knight. "Which is exceptionally important considering Fox is the pilot of our time machine."

"We did have a plan of our own," said Wolf.

"What is it?" asked Meta Knight.

"I've got a Landmaster at my house," Wolf said. "If we can get to my garage to pick it up, we can ride to the Pika Prison. We were planning to kill all the Pika Police. But if you need your time machine and all, we'll get to it first."

"What about Fox?" Meta Knight asked. "Don't you hate him?"

"Not really," said Wolf. "It's all a show for the games we make."

"So how are we going to get to the garage? It's a nightmare outside," said Captain Falcon. From the shadows they heard the slow creak of floorboards and the heavy heels of spurred boots.

"I can take you there," said a figure from the darkness. A man in white tights, wielding two machine guns and a red backpack, stood before them.

"Postman," they said in unison.

"These damn Pika Police are my sworn enemies," revealed the Postman, rolling around a toothpick across his teeth. "I intend to finish this today."

"So how are we getting to Wolf's?" asked Marth. The Postman pointed his left machine gun at the floor and rapidly began to fire. In such an enclosed space, the noise was unbearable. They all plugged their ears until the Postman stopped. Looking over, they found that the Postman had shot a large hole into the floor.

"We take to the sewers," said the Postman, before swiftly dropping into the hole.

"Why is the Postman a badass now?" asked Ike.

* * *

The eight men progressed through the grimy water. There were quite a few rats to disturb them along the way, more than one human skeleton, and the occasional Keese to scare Lucario senseless. The Postman was kind enough to shoot them to pieces every time Lucario gasped at the sight, mostly so he could eat the hearts that fell from them.

"Hey look!" exclaimed Captain Falcon. He reached for a small rectangular card in the bottom of some sludge. "It's my lawyer license!"

"You're a lawyer?" asked Meta Knight.

"Hell yeah, I'm a great lawyer!" Captain Falcon said.

"I'm sure you are," said Meta Knight.

"He really is," said Wolf.

"Insanely good," Marth added.

"Makes no sense," added Lucario.

"Wait a second, didn't you drop that in the toilet?" asked Wolf.

"Yep," said Falcon.

"You specific mentioned that in Chapter 10 of Smashing Shenanigans."

"Yep."

"That was supposed to be a throwaway joke," said Wolf.

"So was the Postman," noted Meta Knight. "He's shown up a good three times now."

"The Pika Police were a throwaway joke!" added Snake.

"Oh yeah, them too," noted the others.

"Speaking of throwaway jokes, didn't Lucario catch Mewtwo?" asked Wolf.

"Yeah, that's true!" said Marth. "Lucario, why haven't you been using Mewtwo?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Come on," said Wolf. Lucario sighed deeply.

"Professor Oak mistook it for his grandson and took him away," he muttered.

"You mean Shit?" asked Ike.

"What?" asked Lucario.

"His grandson's name is Shit," said Ike. "That was another throwaway joke, from Chapter 2 of The Timeless Tale of Smashville's Finest."

"Oh yeah, and don't forget the Villager being a creepy mayor," said Captain Falcon. "That was a thing that should've disappeared after the first time."

"Wasn't Snake a bad guy? And we're just cool now?" asked Wolf.

"NO I WASN'T!" shouted Snake, running past.

"Do you think we might be shutting out new readers with these meta jokes from stories past?" asked Meta Knight. "Some people may not have read those."

"It's not like anyone is going to read this one," said Lucario. The entire group nodded in approval.

"We're here," said the Postman, making his way up a nearby ladder.

* * *

"Smash Mansion was called Smash House in its first mention and we just kind of forgot," said Wolf, as he drove the Landmaster over endless droves of Pikachus.

"Mario and Luigi were fighting on Saffron City in the future during 2014," said Meta Knight.

"It's 2015," said Marth.

"Well it actually may or may not be," said Meta Knight. "I'm pretty sure this whole thing operates on some sliding timescale with no real sense of continuity. That's why I imagine this whole time travel thing is going to be a big deal, cause then we don't have to address things in any sort of real time since we can be in 2004 one day and 2026 the next."

"Guys, I think we're getting way too meta," said Lucario.

"Well, this story is taking longer than usual to hit its stride," said Meta Knight. "I'm pretty sure the meta is just a fallback."

"What?" asked Lucario.

"Think about it," said Meta Knight. "The writing in the other stories was kind of bad, but they were funny sometimes. The jokes in the first chapter or so were really bad, but after that it actually got kind of funny. This one hasn't really gotten all that funny yet. It's all been about setup."

"The Tom Nook thing was kind of funny…" said Ike.

"That was scary as shit!" said Meta Knight. "But anyway, we're obviously being meta because for some reason that can almost be excused because meta is humor in itself."

"Okay, from now on, no more use of the word meta," said Lucario.

"Fair enough," said Knight.

* * *

Fox awoke to the faint smell of urine. He was laying on the hard ground, and knew instantly he was back in Pika Prison. Sitting up, he saw two Pikachus outside the bars, keeping watch.

"Oh hey man! You're awake!" _Oh god no._ It was Wario. Fox turned and saw Wario going to town on his own nostril with his pinky finger.

"Looks like we're gonna be in a high-security cell for some time together," said Wario. "I've been in one before, it's kinda cool."

 _I have to get out of here, fast._

* * *

Wolf ran down the shooting Pikachus without a second thought (though there was a first thought: _This is necessary.)_ , and then charged straight through the stone walls of Pika Prison.

"Where's the impound lot?" he asked to nobody in particular, stopping the Landmaster and looking around himself to find the necessary direction.

"Make a right, it's opposite the exercise yard," said Lucario. Wolf obeyed and simply plowed through the walls of the prison like they were nothing. Prisoners rejoiced as they were freed from their cells, and began to beeline for the destroyed exterior wall that the Landmaster had recently dismantled.

And then, there it was. A large machine built to compact the time machine into nothing, and a sleek looking vehicle of some kind that was no doubt the time machine.

"Alright guys, we gotta hurry!" said Ike, pushing open the door and jumping out of the Landmaster. The others quickly followed, and began to pile into the Landmaster.

Meta Knight, Captain Falcon, and the Postman were just about to enter, when suddenly they heard: "Pika! (Stop right there!)" It was much more than one voice- it was a hundred. The Postman produced two envelopes from his pocket, and quickly exploded a large portion of them with his bazooka.

"Get your time machine," said the Postman. " _This_ is what I came to do." The Pikachus quickly charged at him with ferocity. Meta Knight climbed into the time machine. He looked around, making his way towards the controls.

"How do I turn this thing on?" he asked aloud. "Usually it just kind of works."

"Did you try turning it off and back on again?" asked Snake.

"No Snake, I didn't," hissed Meta Knight. "How do I do that? That was the question, you see. I literally asked how to do just that." Outside, the Postman was at war with the Pikachus, slaughtering one after another in a dance with his envelopes. But the battle was slowly turning in their favor, and a shock here and a thunderbolt there, and the Postman was on his knees. As they surrounded him, he knew the end had come.

"To hell with Pikachus," he spat, and then a hundred bolts of lightning shorted out his heart.

"Holy shit…" muttered Captain Falcon, whistling as he walked into the time machine and shut the door.

"What took you so long?" asked Wolf.

"I was just watching the fight," Captain Falcon said. "The Postman is dead." Most of the others stared as Captain Falcon leaned back in his seat nonchalantly. "Oh yeah! And the compactor just turned on!" Meta Knight looked over to one of the monitors and confirmed that the compactor was in motion. He glanced around, and noticed an emergency box. Quickly, he leaped towards it and punched out the glass. Inside was a white lever, and he flipped it without another thought. All those inside felt as if the time machine was being pulled backwards very roughly, and they all jolted forward as a result. Looking at the monitors, they saw that they hadn't moved.

"What did that do?" asked Marth.

"Fox only mentioned it once," said Meta Knight. "We're caught in a time loop."

Wolf confusedly droned, "Meaning…?"

"Look at the monitors," said Meta Knight. They did so. "The same one second clip is replaying over and over. Every second, the time machine is moving backwards in time by one second. It's the closest the time machine can get to stopping time."

"So why is time moving normally for us?" asked Wolf.

"Because the time machine is causing the time loop," said Meta Knight. "It actually moves through time. It was kind of complicated when Fox explained it, but basically time inside the time machine is not affected by the time travel."

"I think I get it," Marth said. "But how do we get out of the time loop?"

"Good question," said Meta Knight. "I'm sure I could just flip the lever back."

"I got it," said Ike, reaching for the lever.

"Wait!" Meta Knight said, holding his hand out. Ike stopped in place.

"Look at the compactor on the monitor," said Meta Knight.

"What about it?" asked Ike.

"You can barely see it start moving down before the clip starts to loop again," said Meta Knight.

"So?"

"That means that if we exit the time loop, the machine will smash us instantly," he explained. "If you flip that lever, we die."

"Why don't we just leave the machine?" asked Captain Falcon.

"If we do, we exit the time loop outside this second," said Meta Knight. "From what I understand, since the time machine is looping back on this second, as soon as the outside world passes that second, the time machine basically disappears and there's no way to get to it again."

"So wait…" started Marth. "The time machine is going back to the same spot in time every second. That means that every minute that passes in here, sixty time machines exist in the exact same space?"

"Yeah," Meta Knight said. "For the time machine, that's not really a problem. If anything is taking up the space the time machine tries to move into when it time travels, the time machine will push it. But every time the time machine is beginning to push itself out of the way, it just travels back in time to the same space."

"So if we could somehow move the time machine, then we could shut off the time loop, right?" asked Marth.

"The only way we can move it is if we turn off the time loop," said Meta Knight. "We need time we don't have and we can't create."

"Wait, I have an idea," said Ike. "Look at this." Meta Knight looked where Ike was motioning. On the back of the white lever was a smaller lever that said: "Forwards/Backwards." It was flipped to the "Backwards" position.

"Is that what I think it is?" asked Meta Knight.

"I'm thinking it changes which way the time loop is going," said Ike.

"That means it won't be a time loop anymore," said Meta Knight. "It'll just disappear every second and jump into the future one second."

"So what'll happen to the compactor?" asked Ike.

"If we're lucky," said Meta Knight, "it'll just get pushed out of the way."

"If not?" asked Ike.

"Crushed to death."

"Well."

"Yeah."

"Let's do it," said Ike. "Ready everyone?"

"Ready," said Wolf.

"As I'll ever be," muttered Lucario.

Ike flipped the smaller lever. There was a sound like a train stopping, and metal screeching and clawing into pavement, and then a loud thud. Looking at the monitor, the video appeared to be skipping, and the compactor had toppled over onto several Pikachus outside. Ike flipped the main lever, and the time jumping ceased.

"Plot Twist: We all just died and this is an AU fanfic," joked Captain Falcon. No one else laughed, but he snickered enough for all of them. He opened the door and strolled outside.

"Hello all resident Pikachus!" roared Wolf as he stepped outside.

"PIKA PI! (Hey asshole!)" they cried.

"Are you ready to rrrrrrrrrrrrumble?!"

"PIKA! (Our Rumble Paks are so ready!)" The entire gang gathered outside, drawing guns and the like. Then, battle broke out, and the Pikachus charged at the team. Wolf pulled a remote from his pocket.

"Now!" he said. The others threw themselves back into the time machine, and the Landmaster came to meet Wolf atop a mountain of flattened Pikachus. Quickly, Wolf threw himself inside and proceeded to decimate them all. His friends cheered and applauded from within the time machine. At one point, Snake threw a grenade into the fray. Wolf shot at it to explode it since Snake had not pulled the pin. The carnage went on for what seemed like ten minutes, but it was very one sided. Finally, Wolf stepped out of the time machine to claim his victory. The others stepped out of the time machine to applaud his work.

"We should split up," suggested Meta Knight. "Find our equipment, and Fox."

"Good call," said Lucario. "Let's all meet here when we're done."

* * *

"I can't believe you guys actually took down the Pika Police," said Fox in front of the time machine. "Nice job with the emergency switch. I didn't even know if that thing would work."

"Why not?" asked Meta Knight.

"I ordered it off of Amazon and didn't read the directions for installation," Fox said. "Guess I got lucky."

"They sell time machine parts on Amazon?" asked Marth.

"In the future they do," said Fox. "So what should we do now?"

"I have an idea!" shouted Wario, throwing his hand in the air. Wario joining the conversation was unavoidable, since he had been in the same cell as Fox.

"What is it?" asked Ike when no one else would.

"Picture a pretzel," started Wario. He paused.

"Go on…" said Ike. Nothing. "Oh? Was that it?" Wario seemed to be awaiting everyone's opinion.

"I like it!" piped up Wolf. "Hey man, you should go pick up some pretzels for the road!"

"Yeah Wario, this can be your initiation!" said Ike.

"We should just leave him," muttered Captain Falcon.

"You guys are the best!" said Wario. "I can't wait to travel with you guys! Be back in five!" He turned and hustled away, disappearing in a flash.

"Let's get the hell out of here before he gets back," said Wolf. The others voiced their approval, and they all flooded into the machine. Fox began to put the machine into motion, typing in random coordinates just to get them away from where they were.

"So where are we headed, Asshole Squad?" asked Fox to the newcomers. He swiveled around in his chair and looked upon the crew: Meta Knight, Ike, Snake, Captain Falcon, Wolf, Marth, and Lucario.

"You know, I actually really do want a pretzel now…" said Marth.

"Same," added Snake.

"Yeah, I haven't eaten anything since I got out of prison," said Captain Falcon. "My breath is yucky."

"Cool," said Fox. "I know this awesome pretzel place that opens in 2029." He whirled around and punched in the coordinates.

"We need a name," said Meta Knight. "Like, a team name."

"Yeah," agreed Ike. "But I don't think we should be the ones to come up with it." He winked to nobody in particular.

* * *

"Hey guys, I'm back with the… pretzels," Wario said, running back into the prison. The time machine was gone.

"They left without me," he realized. Wario was sad.

TO BE CONTINUED

A/N: That's the end of the first serial! I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think the new team name should be! Also, maybe suggest what you'd like to see next! Thanks for reading!


	4. New Pork Pretzels, Part 1

Disclaimer: Shut up Leonard.

Author's Note: Here comes a two-parter about a mime, gang violence, and nuclear war. It's going to be a lot shorter than the last one, and the one after, and probably a good many of the serials.

* * *

New Pork City, 2029: Home of some really rad pretzels. The time machine materialized in an alleyway off of Main Street, and Fox and friends stepped outside to take in the fresh smells of hobo urine and hot dog stands.

"We're here," said Fox. "Pretzel joint is across the street."

"Who's paying?" asked Meta Knight as the mob began to make their way to a crosswalk. Ike bashed the button and they stood to wait.

"I can get them for free," replied Fox. "I know the owner." The sign changed from Don't Walk, to a picture of some sort of multi-legged mechanical crab thing. Fox motioned them across, and they began to walk towards the pretzel place.

"Oh god," gasped Wolf as he read the name of the pretzel joint.

"Hi, Fox!" shouted Slippy from behind the cash register of the effortlessly-named _Slippy's Pretzel Shop_ as Fox opened the door.

"Hiya Slippy," said Fox. "I got a big order."

Glaring at Wolf, Slippy said, "That'll be eight for the price of one." Wolf huffed and began to go through his pockets for cash. "I meant price of two."

#4: NEW PORK PRETZELS, PART 1

The gang sat outside under the umbrella-covered tables, enjoying their delicious pretzels. Free drinks, plus one not-so-free drink, were a nice side, but the pretzels were the main attraction, and easily the best the entirety of them had ever tasted.

Captain Falcon was the first to finish off his pretzel and drink, so he stood and stretched.

"I'm gonna walk that off," he said. "Catch you guys in a few!" He made off down the sidewalk. It wasn't even twenty feet until he saw the most beautiful thing he could have imagined.

"Whoa!" he shouted. "Guys, check this out!" The others turned.

"OH HELL YEAH!" cheered Ike, jumping up and swallowing the entirety of his pretzel. He ran over and joined Captain Falcon.

"That… is… amazing…" gasped Snake. He threw his pretzel over his shoulder, smacking Fox in the head with it (in doing so, slathering Fox's forehead in nacho cheese). In a quick leap, he had joined the others.

"Guys…" said Marth, "it's just a mime."

"HOW DARE YOU!" shouted Ike. "THIS IS EVERYTHING TO US!" The mime proceeded to make jazz hands at the three. They reciprocated excitedly. Meanwhile, as Fox wiped the last of the nacho cheese from his forehead, he glanced at his phone and began to browse the news. Across the way, the mime was attempting to escape an invisible crate.

"Oh no…" he muttered.

"What is it?" asked Meta Knight.

"I picked a bad day to come to New Pork City," said Fox.

"Why is it a bad day?"

"New Pork City just seceded from Nowhere Islands a few minutes ago," he explained.

"So?"

"President Fassad just declared war on New Pork Nation," said Fox.

"Fassad is still president?"

"It's not the same Fassad," explained Fox. "Well, yeah, it is. Well, he actually injected himself with some weird spider stuff, gave birth to himself, and is now technically a different person by law, so he ran for more terms. Twice now. But that's not the important part!"

"It's just a war," said Meta Knight. "Can't we just leave before things get bad?"

"They just launched a nuke," said Fox.

"And?"

"It was launched from this same island. It'll be here in no time at all," Fox said.

"We gotta go now then!" said Meta Knight, standing up, allowing his chair to skid across the sidewalk behind him.

"GUYS!" Fox shouted. "GET BACK TO THE TIME MACHINE! NOW!" The screaming and panicking crowds could not be timed any worse. Soon the friends were being swarmed by a crowd of desperate people with nowhere to go, as the news of the nuke reached them. Fox attempted to look over the crowd, but he could not see the three mime-obsessed party members. It was then he felt someone grab his wrist. He looked over and saw the paw of Lucario.

"Back to the time machine," repeated Lucario. Marth and Wolf squeezed through the crowd to join the other three. A screaming boy in obnoxious light up sneakers knocked Marth to the ground, before yelling directly into the blunette's beautiful face.

"Is this necessary?" Marth asked. Wolf grabbed the kid by the back of the shirt and threw him over a fence.

"Reflector out, Fox," suggested Wolf, bringing out his own. "The rest of you, stay behind us. We'll push this crowd out of the way." Fox obeyed, and the two activated their reflector devices. Meta Knight, Marth, and Lucario grabbed onto the two. They all walked as one, slicing through the crowd like butter. A heavyset woman charged straight into Wolf's Reflector and was blasted straight up into the air, turning cartwheels all the way. Stray nacho cheese splattered across her face and neck at the apex of her ascent, its source not likely to be found. A stray car began to run through the crowd to drive away from the city, but it bounced off of Fox's reflector and skidded back along its path. Nobody seemed to get anything more than a bruised rib from it, Fox was grateful to realize. The five made it to the other side of the street, and soon the alleyway.

"There it is!" said Fox. The time machine sat there, shining in the sunlight! Wolf peeled a small girl off of the wall of the machine and pushed her into an open manhole, then ripped the door open and let the others walk in.

"Occupied!" shouted a man from inside. His trousers were around his ankles.

"WHO DOES THAT STANDING UP?!" shouted Fox. "NOT IN MY TIME MACHINE!" The others promptly shoved him outside and shut the door. Crowds outside proceeded to shove him around in such tight clusters that he had no way of covering himself, or finding his balance.

"So we have no idea where the others are?" asked Fox.

"How long until the nuke hits?" asked Meta Knight.

"Five minutes, tops," said Fox.

"Well let's time travel back to when they were talking to the mime," suggested Marth.

"Good idea, but a paradox," said Fox. "We'd see ourselves."

"What if we waited until the crowds appeared to time travel to the spot?" asked Marth.

"The time machine would probably kill a few people on the landing."

"They're gonna die anyway," added Meta Knight.

"Yeah, but at least it wouldn't be _my_ fault," said Fox.

"Well I'm pretty sure Wolf has killed three people since pretzels," said Meta Knight.

"I have zero _confirmed_ kills," corrected Wolf. "Today."

"Actually you did just run over a hundred Pikachus like an hour ago," corrected Lucario.

"That was fifteen years ago," said Wolf, waving it off like it was nothing. "People change."

"Okay, okay, fine," said Fox. "I'll go back to when the crowds hit. Around the corner so we won't see ourselves." He began to punch things into the console, and promptly mashed a button. The monitors made a loud buzzing sound, and a sound like scraped piano wires echoed through the city over all the screaming people. The view outside then changed subtly.

"Alright, _move_ ," Fox said, quickly rushing over to the door and stepping out. He ignored the crushed bodies beneath his time machine and looked in the general direction of the mime around the corner. The mime had disappeared.

"I can't see them!" shouted Fox.

"Yeah—me neither!" added Meta Knight from the ground below. Lucario was grasping at his temples.

"I can see one of them," said Lucario. "It's kind of hard to make out through all the crowd. That mime… His aura is absurdly strong."

"Which way?" asked Fox. Lucario pointed off in the direction opposite the previous position of the time machine.

"They're quite a ways down the sidewalk," Lucario noted. "There's no way they'll ever hear us."

"Move the time machine again," Marth suggested.

"Yeah, good call," said Fox, ducking back into the machine and shutting the door when the others joined him.

"SHIT!" he shouted.

"What's wrong?" asked Meta Knight.

"The engine's stalling," he noted. "It's traveled so much lately because of that failsafe. It needs time."

"How much time?" asked Meta Knight. Fox said nothing. Finally, Meta Knight asked, "It's about five minutes, isn't it?" Fox nodded with his eyes shut.

"Well… Maybe they'll come back," said Wolf.

"Not likely," said Lucario, noting the aura.

"Are we safe in the time machine?" asked Marth.

"Yeah, the material is time-treated," said Fox.

"Meaning…?" asked Marth.

"I went to the year 4000 and said, 'Hey, give me something that can stand the test of time.' Turns out bubble wrap is going to be completely invincible and nuke-proof one day. The packaging industry gets hardcore."

"Well let's hope the others can survive this… somehow," Meta Knight said.

"Let's be real, I'm pretty sure the nuke is just going to explode in a circle _around_ them," Wolf said. "They get away with so much bullshit." The door opened then, and a little boy came in.

"Can I use the bathroom please?" he asked.

"Get lost kid," said Wolf, kicking him out and shutting the door.

"We're basically letting thousands of people die," said Meta Knight. "Shouldn't we feel really horrible about that?"

"I can't save all of them," said Fox. "Thousands of people will die whether I help or not."

"Yeah," said Marth. "But can't we just let a few in? Or would that be a paradox?"

"Maybe you're right," said Fox. He saw the kid walking back into the crowd.

"Hey kid!" Fox shouted. The kid turned. Fox motioned him inside.

"You can use the toilet in a few minutes," Fox told him. "Or… now…" Deep sighs filled the time machine.

"This chapter is disgusting," sighed Wolf.

"This whole toilet humor thing has to go," Meta Knight added.

* * *

The mime had motioned for the three to follow him, and they did so perfectly willingly. None of them knew what exactly the crowds were panicking about, but they weren't too concerned. They had the mime, and everything would be okay. Leading them around the corner, the mime continued to motion with an emphatic waving motion forward. He moved through the crowd like a flowing river, gracefully and expressively. For a good minute they made their way down the street, until he stopped at a large white building with black doors and tinted windows. He motioned for the double doors at the front. Captain Falcon went for the doors, but they wouldn't budge.

"They're locked, Senpai," he said. The mime applauded his analysis before reaching into his pocket and producing an invisible key. He went for the door and moved the key into the lock, turning it. Silently, the obstruction became no more, and the doors opened wide with no force from the mime.

The entire innards of the house were solid black and white, and the three friends were entranced as they stepped inside. To the left, they saw a lounge area, with a black and white striped couch, and a monochromatic television on mute. He motioned them over to another room to the right, where they saw a black and white spotted dog playing with a chew toy. It appeared very happy to see its owner, running over to the mime and snuggling with his leg. Picking up the dog, the mime walked over to some nearby stairs leading down, and motioned the three into his basement.

They got to the bottom, and the mime shut the door. The room was completely empty. Some would be very suspicious, but the three trusted this mime wholeheartedly. He put a finger to his lips as he set his dog on the ground. The three friends followed suit. Silence fell over them.

They heard the screams outside, the panic and the horror, people who just didn't know what to do.

Then the loudness of the nuke erupted all around.

TO BE CONTINUED

A/N: This was very dark. This whole thing is really dark, now that I think about it.


	5. New Pork Pretzels, Part 2

The mime dramatically wiped invisible sweat from his forehead after the blast had ended.

"Wait, what just happened?" asked Captain Falcon.

#5: NEW PORK PRETZELS, PART 2

As soon as the blast had ended, Fox kicked out the mob of people he had saved from the explosion.

"Well, we did just save about fifteen people," said Fox. "That's something."

"Yeah, but now we need to find the others," said Meta Knight. "Is it safe to go out?"

"I hope so, I just kicked those people out," replied Fox. He opened the door and looked at the carnage outside.

"Bad?" asked Lucario.

"So wholly disintegrated that there are no bodies to speak of," said Fox.

"I think we're in too deep," said Wolf. "It was all fun and games but then a nuke happened. How is this supposed to be funny after that?"

"Maybe the head honcho will think of something," Fox told him. "Let's go find our idiots. Lucario, you see anything?" Lucario stepped out of the time machine and touched his paws to his temples.

"There's a huge cluster of aura, but it's fairly far off. Nothing else."

* * *

The mime motioned the others into another room, a garage by the looks of it.

"Why do mimes have garages?" asked Snake.

"Don't you dare question the Pope!" shouted Ike, punching him to the ground. The mime began flailing his arms, and motioned for Ike to stop.

"Forgive me, father," he said, resigning himself to a corner. The mime helped Snake off, and brushed metaphorical dust from him. He then motioned to a small car in the room—so small nobody could fit in it.

"A clown car?" asked Captain Falcon. "I thought they were a myth! A legend! A fairy tale!" The mime wiggled his finger at the pilot, before pulling the car door open. Almost magically, several dozen people began to spill out of it. Slowly, the garage filled up with people. It was then the group realized just how big the garage was.

It had to be as big as the whole city. It had to be, because everyone in the city was there. Everyone.

"Alright, mime, come quietly and no one gets hurt," said a voice.

"It's The Sharks!" screamed Ike, pointing at the source of the voice. The source of the voice was a small kid with a skateboard and a shark fin hat. He was joined by several others with shark fin hats, some with pogo sticks, some with hula hoops, and others with more skateboards.

"Sharks?" asked Snake.

"They're a gang that terrorized Onett in _EarthBound_ ," said Ike. "Honestly, do your research."

"You can't touch the Pope!" shouted Captain Falcon, extended his arms and stepping in front of the mime.

"We will defend him until the end!" Ike roared.

"The end?" asked a Pogo Punk. "That won't be long." He launched himself into the air with his pogo stick, before dropping back to the ground and whacking Captain Falcon in the face with his weaponized bouncing toy. Skate Punks and Yes Man Juniors hurled themselves into the fray as well, and battle broke out. In the back, the mime continued to frantically make jazz hands amidst the fighting.

Ike whacked one of the Skate Punks with his sword before getting smacked in the head with a hula-hoop.

"Don't be such a snob!" shouted the hoop wielder. He wrapped the hula hoop around Ike's throat and began to tug, using Ike's back as a footstool. Ike struggled to pull the suffocating hoop from his throat, throwing himself in every direction in hopes of dislodging his attacker.

"Falcon Punch!" shouted Captain Falcon, smacking the Yes Man Jr off of Ike, throwing him into the crowd somewhere.

"Why is no one helping us?" asked Ike, gasping for air.

"Are you kidding? No one wants to be the one to beat up some kids!" Snake shouted. A large man in a biker jacket proceeded to tackle a Pogo Punk and punch him in the face repeatedly.

"I stand corrected," said Snake. A Skate Punk approached the mime, skateboard in whacking position.

"Back away!" shouted Ike. He threw himself into the air and quickly dropped down into the path of the swinging skateboard. Countering the blow, he knocked the skateboard away and cut the kid in half at the waist. The Skate Punk literally exploded into Mountain Dew, a fitting end for a 90's kid.

"Guys wait!" said a Pogo Punk. "TV Guy has something to say!" He pointed in the direction of a Yes Man Jr, who proceeded to open his mouth and reveal a small television screen. On the screen was a news broadcast, with a single reporter in a funny fedora.

"Breaking News! We have just received word that President Fassad has resigned! Upon New Pork City's secession from the Nowhere Islands, war promptly broke out, and President Fassad has taken the blame. Mostly because he was the one who seceded. So, uh, thanks for that Fassad." The reporter flashed a rude gesture. "Now being sworn in is Vice President Dark Dragon. Oddly enough, he refuses to take his oath. Many suspect he fell asleep during his millennial acupuncture session. Perhaps you can shed some light on this, Alec?" The camera panned to the side, revealing an old white-haired man at the same desk.

"Nope!" answered Alec.

"Thank you Alec," said the other reporter. "Now here's Mr. Saturn with the weather."

"HiHiHi, It'S RaInInG NuKeS, ZOOM!" shouted a Mr. Saturn. The TV promptly shut off when a Falcon Punch came through the screen. Its holder slowly collapsed to the ground. The Sharks looked around them, and saw their opponents had vanished, with Captain Falcon quickly rushing off into the crowd to disappear.

* * *

Lucario led the gang towards the cluster of blue aura.

"It has spread out," Lucario said. "It's almost as if the whole city has been gathered in one place."

"My God, he's done it…" gasped Fox quietly.

"How close are we?" asked Meta Knight.

"There," Lucario said, pointing at the black and white building.

"The mime's house, I take it," Wolf said.

"What is _with_ this mime?" asked Fox.

"Extra, extra!" came a brash voice.

"What was that?" asked Wolf.

"Down here!" the voice said. The gang looked down and saw a small bug. "Yeah! Me! The mole cricket! Take the damn paper!" It produced a single newspaper and threw it at Wolf's snout, scampering away quickly and ducking into a small crack in the sidewalk before the canine could react. Marth reached out and grabbed the rolled up paper as it rolled off of Wolf's nose, removing the rubber band opening it up.

"President Dark Dragon Sworn In, Awake; Has Plan to Save New Pork Nation," read Marth. As soon as he finished reading the headline, the ground shook violently.

"What was that?" asked Meta Knight.

"I feel a disturbance in the aura," Lucario said.

"That's not even a thing," said Wolf. "What's happening?"

"The city is moving," Lucario answered.

"Moving?" asked Meta Knight.

"It's going up," Lucario said. "Taking off."

"Wait, who's the new president again?" asked Wolf.

"Dark Dragon," said Marth.

"Totally Ultron," said Wolf.

"Why are we taking off?" asked Meta Knight.

"The disturbance in the aura," Lucario said. "It's a new entity. Huge entity."

"What entity?" asked Wolf.

"If I had to guess, I'd say the city is on the back of a dragon," said Meta Knight.

"You'd be correct," confirmed Lucario.

"Okay, so this Dark Dragon is president," Meta Knight said. "And he's saving New Pork City."

"Nation," corrected Fox.

"New Pork Nation. By flying it into the air?" asked Meta Knight.

"And away from the nukes," Lucario said.

"There are more nukes?" asked Meta Knight.

"So I presume," said Lucario.

"We need to find the others and get out of here," said Fox. "You think they're in the mime's house?"

"I'd be amazed if they weren't," Wolf answered. He ran up to the door and attempted to open it. "No good." The door suddenly swung open, and Wolf was knocked to the ground by Ike.

"Protect the Pope!" shouted Ike, as Snake eased the mime along behind him. The mime made jazz hands at the others outside as the three ran along.

"Stupid kids, I hate you all!" shouted Captain Falcon as he exited the house. He promptly shut the door behind himself.

"Falcon, what the hell?" asked Wolf, getting to his feet.

"Not you guys," Captain Falcon said. "The Sharks. Gang. They're chasing us. They wanna hurt the Pope."

"There's a Pope now?" asked Wolf.

"He is our Pope," said Captain Falcon, pointing to the mime. "Praise be to the Pope." He leaped from the steps and ran to join Ike and Snake with the mime.

"Guys, we have to follow these idiots," said Fox.

"Can I just wait back at the time machine?" asked Meta Knight.

"I think you'd just take off without them," said Fox. "I know I would." The five friends took off after the Pope.

* * *

And so they ran, for blocks and blocks, endlessly it seemed. The mime led the group towards the center of the city, and after a good ten minutes of running, stopped in front of a large temple.

"A temple?" asked Fox.

"The Pope has brought us home!" cheered Ike. He ran ahead to hold the door open for the mime, who jazz-handedly strolled through the door.

"Why are we here?" asked Meta Knight, gasping for air.

"Because the Pope brought us here," said Snake matter-of-factly.

"Guys," said Fox. "This is ridiculous. I get that you love him and all, but running way out here? To a temple? With a guy who won't even talk? That's insane."

"You know who else didn't talk?" asked Snake. "Jesus."

"He did talk," corrected Fox. "That was his thing."

"My point still stands," said Snake.

"What point?" asked Fox. By then, Snake had stopped listening, and strolled along to join Captain Falcon and Ike, now bowing at the altar. The mime stepped up onto the stage, turned on his heels, and jazz-handed at the group.

"What are we doing here?" asked Meta Knight again, louder than before. The mime motioned for him to shush. He held his arms out, and just then, the doors flew open. The entire city began to flood into the temple, flocking to the altar and bowing until the crowd was so dense than the entire floor was covered in kneeling people.

"Yeah, I'm not sure about this," said Marth. Lucario grunted.

"Getting a headache," he said. "Way too much aura."

"You need to step outside?" asked Marth. Lucario nodded, and Marth reached over to help him out of the temple. Meta Knight, Fox, and Wolf stood in the back of the building, looking on as the mime overlooked the crowd.

"What is that?" asked Meta Knight, pointing to a white cloth on the stage covering something up. As if on cue, the mime turned and removed the covering. Beneath it was a silver needle, embedded in a pedestal.

"It is the needle," chanted the crowd in unison. "Our leader shall save us."

"The… needle?" asked Wolf.

"I've heard about these," Fox said. "There are seven of them that are meant to keep the Dark Dragon contained. The one who pulls the majority of the needles can control the Dark Dragon's power and use it for either good or evil."

"The Dark Dragon is already free, though," said Meta Knight. "The city is flying right now."

"Maybe the needle got put back when the dragon was freed?" asked Wolf.

"Yeah, maybe," said Fox. "I'm thinking this guy is about to pull that needle."

"Is that bad?" asked Meta Knight.

"It very well could be," said Fox.

"Or?" asked Wolf.

"Or he can instantly end the war and save everyone," replied Fox. "Depends on what he wants."

"Why isn't he pulling it then?" asked Wolf. The mime was standing patiently.

"I think he's waiting," said Fox.

"On what?"

"Us," replied Fox. "He won't do it until we accept him as our leader. He wants our faith." Across the way, the mime was slowly nodding.

"Really?" asked Meta Knight.

"Really," said Fox.

"Do you trust him?" asked Wolf.

"I dunno," said Fox. He looked back out the doors. Lucario had collapsed onto one knee from exhaustion, and Marth was kneeling next to him.

"Alright, here we go," said Wolf. He got down and bowed. Meta Knight sighed, and then bowed himself. Fox looked around, and saw the mime was looking directly at him. He bowed.

The sound of the needle being pulled was the most angelic sound he had ever heard.

Everything went black.

* * *

Fox awoke inside the time machine.

"What happened?" he asked to the others, all sitting around with him.

"The Pope fixed everything!" cheered Ike. "War's over! We're back at the time machine! City morale is up 930%! And there's _pizza_!" It was true. Sitting there on the console was a humungous box of cheese pizza, stacked atop several other humungous boxes of cheese pizza. Fox noticed the others standing around, eating pizza, laughing with each other.

Almost like a family.

He smiled to himself and went to get a slice of pizza for himself.

"We were wrong for a change," said Wolf, appearing next to him.

"Well, maybe at first," replied Fox. "These things usually work out in the end, though." He tasted the pizza, and it was the best he had ever eaten. "Usually not this well, though." It was then he noticed the mime, standing there and jazz handing at Captain Falcon and Snake, jazz handing in return.

"You can come with us, you know," said Captain Falcon. "I'm sure Fox will let you." The mime shook his head and smiled.

"I'm gonna miss you!" cried Snake, hurling himself at the mime for a hug. The mime took him in his arms and patted him on the back.

"Me too!" added Captain Falcon and Ike in unison, joining the other two in the hug. The hug lasted for ages, until finally the mime pulled away and waved to everyone.

"Good luck out there!" said Ike through his tears. The mime shut the door behind himself.

"I love that guy," said Captain Falcon, returning to his pizza. Fox set his slice down and ran to the door. He opened it and stepped outside. There stood the mime, as if he had been waiting for Fox. Fox shut the door behind himself.

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you sooner," said Fox. The mime smiled. "But thank you for saving everyone." Humbly, the mime bowed.

"You sure you don't want to come with us?" asked Fox. The mime nodded and extended his hand. Fox shook it, and the mime waved goodbye, turning on his heel and strolling away. Crowds waved as he passed, and Fox noticed how perfect everything seemed at the time. He chuckled awkwardly to himself and turned back to the time machine. As he did, something in the distance caught his eye.

A very tall man in a suit appeared to be watching him from over the crowds. There was a sudden flash of light, and Fox found himself gasping for breath. Everything around him seemed watery and dark, and then he was fine. As he panted lightly, he noticed the man had disappeared. Confused, Fox stepped back into the time machine.

"So where we going now?" asked Captain Falcon quickly.

"Oh, dunno," answered Fox. He eased back over to the console and threw himself into his chair.

"You okay?" asked Marth.

"Yeah, fine," said Fox. He looked at the screen and thought to himself, the recent events with the tall man almost behind him.

"That was a little anti-climactic, wasn't it?" asked Meta Knight.

"Yeah, I was expecting something more," said Fox. "Oh well, anti-climaxes happen sometimes." He ignored Ike's giggling.

"Hmm, where to next?" asked Fox aloud.

"Let's go get pretzels," said Snake.

"We literally _just_ did that," replied Wolf.

"Let's go to the Pope's house," said Captain Falcon.

"Also that," said Wolf.

"Why not the Wild West?" asked Ike. Fox paused.

"Oh? Is that it?" asked Fox. "I thought you were gonna make that stupid."

"So we can become sheriffs and shoot a bunch of guys just because!"

"And there it is," said Fox. "Whatever. I'm randomizing." He mashed an obscure button and sent them off to who-knows-where.

TO BE CONTINUED

In the next chapter…

The time machine breaks down! Fox needs to get to the time machine repair station in the 52nd century, but the only way to get there is by pushing the time machine up to warp speed with the fastest train in the universe!

 **All Aboard**!


End file.
